If you only knew: 2010/01

So I've been thinking a lot about the past year and all I have gone through. Lots of crazy stuff! Giving birth, placing him for adoption 13 days later, having the privilege of an open adoption, people talking about "our adoption", school, work....SO MANY THINGS!!!!

One of the things that has really irked me this year is how people keep saying that I'm spoiled because I get to see Zad a lot.

I'M NOT SPOILED!!!!

QUIT SAYING THAT!!!!

I'm here to say that what Steve, Angie and I have, our relationship, is real. They love me and want me to be happy and succeed. I know this with all of my heart.

I'm in a good place in my life and they see that. I know that when I need them, I can call on them and they know that if they need anything from me, they can call on me. When they need a babysitter, I babysit. They don't always call me to do this. There are other people who do it as well. If I hadn't have chosen them to be Zad's parents, we would still be friends.

We have so many things in common, as do our families.

I'm tired of people telling me that it's so nice that I still get to see him.

!!!DUH DOOFIS!!!

You think I don't know that! I'm the one who chose to place him so he would have an eternal family because I didn't know when I could provide that. When I do get married and have children of my own, I don't know how often I will be able to see him. Things in their life could change and I don't know how often I would get to see him. I'm taking every chance I can right now to see him. Some people may think that because I get to see him more than other birth mothers get to see their children that it hurts less. No it doesn't.

Plain and simple, it doesn't.

My caseworkers have been been awesome through this whole process. I don't know what I would do without Sharon and Audra in my life. They have helped to let me know that it is hard and that I can get through this. The Lord will surely bless these women for helping birth mothers through this process and being there for them when we need it. Audra had to go to Georgia for 6 months, so Sharon is pretty much in charge of all of the birth mothers and has done a wonderful job spreading the love. I love you two!

I'm not going to apologize to anyone for how this has turned out. If the Lord didn't think it was right, then it wouldn't be this great.

This is a scramble to read and now I'm done.

I love the Owensby's!

I put these up backwards so you will have to act like you are rewinding my life...

When I got off the plane from Portland, I called my mom to tell her I had landed. She didn't answer. I called Monica and she said that my mom should be there. As I as walking past security, I saw what looked like my mom with a baby on her lap, but then I saw two blonde people on either side of her and figured that wasn't her. When I got closer, I realized it was Zaddy sitting on her lap and Steve and Angie beside her!!! I waved to Z and said, "Hi Bubba!", he looked at me and then realized who I was and gave me a GINORMOUS smile!

Happy New Year to me!

Those of you who know me, know that I DO NOT eat fish. Well, I figured that since I was so close to the coast, it would probably be fresh and it was GOOOOD!

This is where I recommend you to go and eat if you ever find yourself in the Portland airport, between gates C7 and C8.

Beau has learned to climb the steps!

When I caught him up there, he turned and waved to me.

There he goes!

These next 3 pics so funny! Drew was so excited that we were having a "birthday" party. I think he even said something about HIS birthday party. He loved the popper things and he loved the noisemakers as you can see here.

YEAR!

NEW

HAPPY

Gina and I and the kids took a little trip to the Tillamook Cheese Factory in Tillamook, OR. I was in CHEESE HEAVEN!!!

Christmas Day

Steve and Angie gave me this ornament with Zad's handprint. He has huge hands so the entire thing was taken up by his bear cub paw print.

I babysat Z while his parents went Christmas shopping.

LET ME OUT!

Angie said he loves his little lion toys!

Here is Liahona's "Pretty Smile"

Monica used a blow dryer on Levu's hair and he turned out looking like Pedro from

Napoleon Dynamite.

Flying Zad

Hey ese, whas happening?

We had Thanksgiving early because the Wilkins were moving to Portland. At the same time, the Varos had a little Fijiian ceremony type thing.

Steve and Zad

Angie and Zad

Lia in her outfit. She looked so cute!

Levu and Siteri, Kali's mom who came to visit from Fiji for a couple of months. Monica bought some little warrior tools for this and Levu looked adorable!

I babysat Z on Halloween while his parents went to a wedding. It was so fun! This wig was hanging up and I decided to see what he would look like.

Baby Slash!

This was just before the wig.

We went to Texas Roadhouse for my niece Soleil's 16th birthday in October. I can't believe she's 16!!

My mom and Drewfy.

Gina and Beau at the annual Halloween party.

The doughnut on a string for the bebes. Levu, Liahona, Clark and Eve.

Pirate Z and his daddy

Auntie Monica helping pirate Z with a lovely Krispy Kreme.

After one of the outreach panels we did, Angie and I went to the movies. Zad looked so cute. Of course it was dark so his eye got HUGE when the flash went off.

Zadok's blessing day. The Owensby's invited all of my family to the blessing and most of 60 or so that live in Arizona came to see this special day.

This will be one of my favorite pictures of all time. This is the day that Zadok Paul was sealed for eternity to his mommy and daddy. I was able to be at the altar while this sealing took place and will never forget that feeling.

The next day his curls were gone!

I got to have Z come and stay with me for a couple of days while his parents went "out of town". It was a lot of fun and the twins loved to have their cousin around.

He is sooooo adorable!

My cousin Erin and I went to Utah for the National FSA Conference and on the way home, Angie invited us to stop by her parents house to see them. Her brother Mac had just come home from is mission so I was able to meet him too.

Oh the pain of being dipped in the lake!

4th of July weekend, the Owensbys invited me to go on vacation with them and Angie's parents up at Lake Powell on their houseboat. It was so much fun!

After he got used to the water, Z was screeching and splashing!

Floating in the river

His first haircut

Look at those cheeks and lips!

ADORABLE!

This was on Birthmother's Day. We went to Glendale and did our first panel for an adoption academy. Afterward, we went to Fajitas in Phoenix. That is a wonderful place!

Handsome in his Easter outfit.

My sister Gina, brother-in-law Dustin and my nephew Drew went for a visit. Drew loved baby Zad.

Look at his hair!

They were sooo tiny!

I loved his profile, I still do!

February 2o, 2009. This is the day that I signed my rights away as Zadok's mother. It was hard to do, but I knew it was the best thing for him. He needed a mother and father who he could be sealed to and who could give him everything he could ever dream of.

I found that in Steve and Angie.

The Lips!

This was a visit where my niece Soleil first met Steve, Angie and Zad.

Zad's daddy, Steve

Zad's mommy, Angie

This was February 2, 2009. Placement Night. I had to pray very hard that I would be able to make it through this night. Steve and Angie were so caring and worried about me that I was a lot more comfortable in their home. As I placed Zadok in their arms, a hush came over the whole house, it was as if just us four were the only ones there.

This is just before we left their house the day after our first "interview". Angie's mom, Susan, asked if she could take a picture of me and the baby. I thought it was cute. A couple of minutes later, I would be back in this same place telling Steve and Angie that they would soon be parenting this sweet little spirit.

Angie feeding Z for the first time.

He was so tiny!

The day before placement, taking some time with him.

I love this little man!

His hair would get CURLY when wet and then dry straight as an arrow! It was crazy!

The day we came home from the hospital. When Monica brought them out from their nap, they both smiled at Z (then his name was Quinton) as if they remembered him from Heaven. It was so sweet.